


Nobody Looks Sexy on a Futon

by Gravity_Sun



Series: JayDick Week October 2016 [3]
Category: Batman (Comics), DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Costumes, Halloween, Halloween Costumes, Humor, M/M, Sexy Costumes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-01
Updated: 2016-11-01
Packaged: 2018-08-28 11:38:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8444362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gravity_Sun/pseuds/Gravity_Sun
Summary: Jason swaps Dick's costume. It doesn't go as planned.
JayDick Week 3 Day 3 -  Halloween Costume “Sexy Version”





	

**Author's Note:**

> I promise this one doesn't get sad

“So. I’m curious.”

“Mm?” Jason asks, from around a mouthful of chips

“If I recall, you have a _lovely_ penthouse. 2 bedrooms.”

“3.” Jason corrects

“ _3_ bedrooms. 2 baths?”

“And a half”

“2 and a half. Whirlpool tub. Which, sounds wonderful.”

“Oh, it’s great.”

“Not to mention, right in the heart of downtown Gotham. You know. The actually nice area they send all the tourists.”

“Mmmhmm.”

“And yet. Here you are. At 11pm. On my sofa.”

            Jason licks his fingers one by one.

“Yup.”

“Which, I can’t even feel my legs, and even _I_ know it’s uncomfortable to sit on, let alone _sleep_ on. And I know for a fact you have 3 couches--.”

“4. Alfred decided to redecorate.”

“ _4_ couches at the penthouse.”

            Jason shrugs.

“We don’t have Ben and Jerry’s at the penthouse.”

“You could have it delivered in half an hour.”

“20 minutes. Apparently they changed their bellhop requirements.”

            Barbara sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“ _20 minutes._ ” She corrects “The point is. That place is Heaven compared to here. Which begs the question... why?”

“Why what?”

            If she could have kicked him, she would have.

“Why are you here?”

            Jason looks at Barbara, then down at the spoon full of ice cream he was about to shovel in his mouth, then back at Barbara, as means of explanation.

“Jason, you pass 2 supermarkets--.”

“3. They just finished that ShopRite off of Grand.”

“ _3_. Supermarkets. And God knows how many bodegas. You could’ve bought ice cream at _any_ of them.”

            Jason gives as easy shrug.

“Probably.”

            Barbara looks at her watch. She sighs. She’s not even 30 and she’s going to start going grey.

“So...”

“So?”

“Why... why are you here at.” She glances at her watch “Now 11:30 pm. Shouldn’t you be out patrolling?”

“Went earlier. Bruce is taking the replacement and the demon spawn out. Too many cooks and all that.”

“Okay... shouldn’t you be...”

“What, are you not happy to see me, Babs?”

“I’m always happy to see you, Jason.” she sighs “Just not...” She wheels closer to him, staring him down “Why have you been sleeping on my futon for the past 3 days?”

            Jason freezes, spoon halfway to his mouth.

“Well.”

“Did you and Dick have a fight?”

“That’s... _one_ way of looking at it.”

“And what’s the other way?”

“Dickie can’t take a joke, and threw a tantrum.”

“And now you’re here.”

“And now I’m here.”

            Barbara sighs, taking the ice cream and spoon from Jason. He makes a motion to protest, but is silenced by a quick Bat-Glare.

“What did you do?”

“What makes you think I did anything?”

            Barbara just looks at him.

“Oh yeah... it’s _me._ Right.” She sighs “Look. So, it’s almost Halloween, right?”

            Barbara nods, mouth too full to answer.

“And you’ve probably seen all of the Bat-costumes...”

“Some.”

“Well, so... there’s this ...” Jason stops “I saw...” He frowns, struggling to think of the best way “Okay. So Dick likes to keep his costume in his gym bag, just in case, right?”

“Uh huh.”

“So, I was down in the red light district the other night and I walked past the costume shop there.”

            Barbara’s eyes widened, spoon hanging from her mouth. She could see where this was going.

“Oh no.”

“And in the window, for just a _steal_ was this Nightwing costume.”

“You  mean the one with the assless chaps?”

“That’d be the one. So you _have_ seen it?”

“Yes, Jason. I have the Internet.”

“Okay, well. It was 30% off, last one left. Been selling ‘like hotcakes’ the guy at the counter said. So of course I buy it. And when I get home, Dickie, slob that he is... his gym bag is just _sitting_ there.”

            The spoon falls out of Barbara’s mouth, she face-palms so hard that she’s sure there’ll be a mark.

“You didn’t.”

“Oh. I did.”

“Jason... no.”

“Jason, **yes**.” Jason replies, shit eating grin on his face “So I swapped them out. Left the gauntlets and all the other important stuff. Figured he’d realize it before he actually went out.”

“And?”

            Jason’s shit eating grin turns strained.

“He didn’t.”

“... and?”

“He had stop a heist at a charity auction.”

“...in assless chaps?”

“In assless chaps.” Jason confirms. “Apparently he didn’t realize it at first.” Jason makes a confused look “... not sure what that says about him as a person.”

“We probably don’t want to know.”

“No.” Jason agrees, standing, retrieving the spoon from the floor and moving to raid Barbara’s fridge. He was sure there was some left over baba ganoush in there somewhere. ”We don’t.”

“So, then what happened?”

“Well, I thought we’d laugh it off, right? But... Dick was a lot more pissed than I anticipated. Probably has something to do with that other thing--.” Jason trails off

“What _other thing_?”

“Nothing!” Jason replies, slamming the fridge shut, baba ganoush forgotten “Is there any good take out around here?”

“Jason... you’ve literally eaten 2 pizzas a carton and a half of ice cream, and 3 bags of chips.”

            Jason just blinks at her.

“In  like an _hour._ ”

            More blinking.

“... do you ever stop eating?”

            Jason shrugs.

“Yeah, I sleep, fight crime and have sex sometimes.” He pauses, finding the drawer that contained the local takeout menus “Actually, scratch that last one.” He replies, grimacing “You know these coupons are like a year old?”

“What _other thing?”_ Barbara asks again

            Jason waves his hand in dismissal.

“Not important. Anyway. He gets home and he is _pissed_. And not even in the ‘I’m so angry but so charming it’s okay’ way that Dick normally is. The--.”

“ ‘my boyfriend sent me to fight crime in assless chaps’ way?”

“You got it.” Jason said “So, he relegated me to the couch. Then, decided that wasn’t enough. Told me I had to go to another couch.”

“So you came here?” Barbara looks up to find Jason with his hand literally in the cookie drawer. She glares at him. He grins sheepishly. More and more of Dick in him every day. “God, what do you grocery bills look like?”

“Not that bad, actually.” Jason says, emerging with a handful of cookies “Some of us actually know how to use coupons.”

“ _You_ coupon?”

            Yes. Actually. He does. He also may or may not be a part of several online and in-person couponing groups.

“Gotta save money somehow.”

“… you’re both rich.”

            Jason waves his hand to dismiss her.

“I’m ordering Indian. You want something?”

            Yes. Actually. She does. But she ignores him.

“Why here?” she asks

“Well, Selina is in town, and I sure as hell wasn’t gonna go to the manor. Last thing I need is to spend a few days trying to avoid Bruce and Selina boning on everything.”

“No way.”

“’Like rabbits’, the demon spawn assures me.” Jason frowns down at the take out menu

“So, no hotel? Safe house?”

            Jason shrugs, pops another cookie in his mouth.

“I guess.” He says around a mouthful, eyes softening, voice going soft “I just didn’t want to be alone.”

            Barbara’s hear aches for a moment.

“Anyway,” Jason says, shaking his head to clear his thoughts. His hair is getting long, Barbara thinks, maybe she’ll cut it for him. “Indian?”

“So, what’s your plan?”

“Hm?” Jason asks, distractedly, staring down at the menu, then picking up another one

“Aside from eating me out of house and home. Your plan? You know ‘make my boyfriend stop being angry’ plan?”

            Jason shrugs, moving back towards the living room and grabs his pants that were hanging over the back of the chair, sliding them on.

“Nothing. Dickie will stew for a few days, then he’ll text me some nonsense emoticons and we’ll be fine.”

“You think?”

            Jason nods, fastening his belt.

“Because, it’s been three days, Jason.” She continues, and that makes Jason pause “Has he ever been mad for this long?”

            Once. But Jason likes to not think about it.

“I--… he’ll come around.”

“You think?”

“Eventually. Yeah.  He’ll--.”

“God you sound like Bruce.” She mutters “Just… _talk_ to him?”

“And say what? Sorry about the assless chaps, but it’s quite a view?”

“Okay.  Maybe not that. Maybe… maybe do something…” she pauses, her eyes lighting up

“Oh. Oh. No.”

            Babs grins at him.

“Babs no.”

“Babs **yes**.”

X

            Dick tucks his bag of take out under his arm and sighs, resting his head against the penthouse door before opening it. Another night in that cold empty—

            Only… not.

            Dick opens the doors and there are candles everywhere. He glances back at the door to make sure he hasn’t somehow stumbled into the wrong apartment, but no. It’s his. There’s the hole in the wall his head made when Jason was fucking him too hard against it and they lost their balance. He makes his way in, and there’s more candles.

“… what is this, mood lighting?” He mutters to himself, before looking up, dropping both his jaw and the take out.

“Don’t… don’t you fucking laugh.”

            Dick’s eyes were watering with the strain.

“I swear to God if you--.”

“Does the helmet have _kitty ears_?” Dick says, managing to keep his voice somewhat steady

“I’ve been reliably informed that they are tiger ears. Apparently they’re all the rage these days.”

“The bat symbol is sheer.”

“Yup.”

“Are those breakaway pants? Like the one’s…”

“Like the ones strippers wear? Yep.”

            Dick is shaking, he’s actually shaking.

“Is that… are you wearing glitter.”

“Look, it came with the--.”

“Oh my God.” Dick moves closer, jaw dropping further “Are those supposed to be guns? Are they--.”

“Shaped like dicks?  Yep. They’re water guns, and they work too.” Jason shoots Dick in the chest “See?”

            Dick goes still as a statue.

“I just…”

“Shs.” Dick says, holding up a finger to silence him “I just… just let me savor this for a minute.”

            Jason sighs, but nonetheless humors Dick.

“Okay.”

“Gonna take years to get this glitter off of the couch.”

“We’ll let Tim sit on it for a bit. That’ll help” Jason sighs. Dick rolls his eyes. “Look. I’m sorry I was an ass. Didn’t think about how…”

“Utterly humiliating.” Dick fills in

“Utterly humiliating.” Jason adds “That could be.” He reaches out, grabs Dick’s hand, pulls him closer. Dick can’t tell but he imagines he’s getting Jason’s best puppy eyes under the helmet “Forgive me?”

            Dick looks down at him for a moment. Couldn’t deny, the costume _was_ a little hot.

“Of course.” Dick says, rubbing his thumb over the back of Jason’s hand

“Is this the part where we have really hot makeup sex?”

            Dick scoffs.

“This is the part where you go scrub that shit off your skin and don’t touch anything for a few hours.” He says, moving away “Days, really.”

“Oh come on.”

“It’s the herpes of craft supplies, Jay.” Dick says, moving back towards his bag of take out “I’m not in the mood for the ‘gift that keeps on giving’.”

“But,” Jason says, standing up from the couch, wincing when he glanced back at it. They’d be better off just replacing it at this point “We could sparkle together.”

“I’m gonna tell Babs you said that.”

“Don’t you dare.” Jason says, moving towards the shower

“Wait.” Dick asks “Are you wearing a domino under the helmet?”

            Jason full body tenses.

“You are, aren’t you?”

            Jason doesn’t respond, just starts moving towards the shower.

“What does it look like? Let me see!”

            Jason runs, shuts and locks the bathroom door behind him. Dick laughs, before saying

“Babs. Did you get that?”

            The lights on his security cameras flashed, the monitor on his screen lit up with Oracle’s face.

“Yep.”

“And?”

“Sending it to everyone.”

“Could you also order Christmas cards?”

“Oh, you devil.”

            Dick just grins.

 

 

 


End file.
